"I searched my world but I can't find you
You're standing there but I can't touch you
Try to talk but the words are just not there
I can feel a sense of danger
You stare at me like I'm a stranger
Paralyzed and you don't seem to care
The demons in my dreams"
- Demons, Brian McFadden

Sometimes when I'm designing a set for class or for any situation.. I like to think that I'm on Project Runway.


It's a dream.






"For these fifteen contestants, Project Runway is a chance of a lifetime"

Our dear naked fellow is being taken down as of last night if I'm not wrong. Passed the National Museum at about midnight and saw people on scaffolds scaling the statue. Well, will always remember the times I would walk by and smirk at those clueless tourists/ singaporeans who stare in wonderment.


I hate the feeling that prevails when ever there's a leaving to be done. Its like a dark shroud of awkwardness that falls on any individual and that feeling is unique to everyone. Even the best of friends have nothing to say to each other in times like these except the usual I'll see you around and yea see ya later! It is like something has gone missing for the one who is being left behind. Extreme situation being a suicide case where the sucidee dies leaving behind bewildered relatives/ friends who will then go through phrases of hate, anger, puzzlement, denial and then finally, painfully, acceptance. Its a long drawn out process and the one being left behind always face the danger of succumbing to the dark side of human nature and then kill themselves. But of course that is the extreme case scenario. Not to say it has never happened before.

I hate it that I'm doing everything and nothing seems to be done.


It's not goodbye my friend

A lovely day spent with a good friend. Shopped the whole day for costumes and clothes. and bought a whole lot of useless (not completely tho) stuff. The only noteworthy thing we did was squeezing in with the crowd at the National Museum for Show Festi's Outdoor Aerial performance. Above picture is probably the only picture that I took that looked decently ok. Somehow the entire show is like a dream with the flying people and props, stylized oversize dolls and rolling balls. Makes me wonder what other people dreams are like. Coz mine definitely doesn't have large flying objects except for this flying car that I was riding in once. hermmm.....



It's just another day

Why can't people be clear and straightforward. Know what you want, know what you can and cannot do and just be yourself? Maybe then we won't be this fucked up. Suspicions, doubt, ignorance and so on could have been avoided. Ahh, but we are imperfect beings, why ask for the impossible?





WAKE UP FUCKERS!

Its nice to know that you're not alone while skirting the edges of sanity. It may be succinct buts its also very heartfelt. Its like a moment of relief when you meet a fellow cat lover, or anime lover. The feeling of knowing that someone out there is as crazy as you is really nice.

I found someone who also listens to the same song for over 2 months every day every hour. And its also a Maroon 5 song!!! We can go on and on about psp games, animes and mangas forever. Pity he doesn't read D.grayman, but fear not, I'll influence him to!!



Ballantines!!

Just a few days back, my sister told me of a survey MOE 'forced' all students to take. Actually, its a questionaire which asks about the student's interests and lifestlye. After which a point system is created and the ending result determines the student's 'probable future careers'. Seems like useful to my sister, since she doesnt really know what the hell she wants to be in life. Her result was engineering.... in Aerospace. Not bad really, maybe she'll be the first pilot in my family, since I couldn't be one. (Right after we talked about bombing airplanes.. heh)

Funny thing is, these surveys always seem so accurate, yet not so. Took one in JC, by then I was pretty sure where I wanted to head in the future, so that survey pissed me off by saying I could be someone who works in an office and at the same time be a Director/ Composer/ Producer. Didn't quite make sense in my opinion. Lasalle also gave out surveys like these to students in foundation to help these people decide which course they should pursue in Level One. Somehow my course came up as the course for people who could not do well in the other arts. =(

Wonder just how accurate these surveys are. My sister was not happy with being a future engineer. But somehow, that survey gave her the conception that that's the only calling in her life? better steer way off the wrong path.



*smile after the snarl

Past the point of no return
-the final threshold.


Phantom of the Opera must be one of the best creations of this world. Credit must also go to the book from which the musical is adapted from.

The past week has been a twisty- turny, topsy- turpvy and surprisingly. Largely surprising. One where words have no effect on whatever happens. One where its a test of character in the face of adversity. A very bad week. Alas, not a very bad one either. Very surreal really, temporarily broken by short interludes of frustration and tiredness. Makes me wonder what I've done so far was worth it or not.


I think this supposed strength is turning into the bane of my life. My strict principle to keep doing my best in everything I do (probably the only useful thing I've learnt in primary school besides maths and eye exercises) always ensured I go the extra mile to do everything as perfectly as I can, especially if I love it. But its getting to the point where people criticise my efforts and blatantly turn a blind eye to all I've done so far. It makes me want to bash those people's faces in since they cant seem to see further than their noses. I've got to draw the damn line now. Like I did when I was in primary school.



Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me, that's all I ask of you

camera: weeks
handphone: 3 days
mp3 player: 1 and half days
psp: 1 day
laptop: 2 hours

I have to bloody charge every single thing everyday and I only have one power socket in my room!!!


ahhh, and electricity charges went up as well. gone are the day i lug everything to sch to charge... hahaha....

im just completely not typing anything that makes remotely any sense. Just not in the mood to make any sense..

ok back to work.


me: 24 hrs and some new manga

We got gold.


yup.


I don't even know how to continue with this topic. yup.










Coz obviously the gold's outta our reach

I......

want to rip someone eyes and brains out. RIGHT NOW.Particularly someone, but I'll take any one who comes along. I want to go somewhere and thrash out my frustrations but I know when I come back, I'll just get even more angry as ever for this irritable problem.

I was just telling my best friend yesterday how I don't like people who pretend to know theatre when in actual fact they don't know what they claim to know? It irritates me. They screw things up till its apocalypse. Ok, maybe I'm being a little extreme for a first year student but it scares me when these half standard people think so highly of themselves. It irritates me to no end. They should all just sit back and kill themselves. It scares me and irritates me to even think of the prospect of working with people who fare worse than I.

_____

She paused for as the phone rang. By its second ring, she grabbed and activated it. The news that flowed from it was not one to rejoice, neither was it one to mourn for. Honestly, there's just nothing much to do about it except to sighhhhhh.

_____

I dont like working with people I don't like, worse I hate working with people who don't like what they are doing. Makes me feel very insulted somehow. ---- im just thinking too highly of myself as well arent I?


*damn those damn corrupted souls

"One day to a new beginning
Raise the flag of freedom high
Every man will be a king
Every man will be king
There's a new world for the winning
There's a new world to be won
Do you hear the people sing?
- One Day More, Les Miserables




=_=

I have never worried/ sweat/ cursed/ been mind- fucked/ invested so much effort and energy in a single production before. Its not even my production. I guess that's what happens when you're just too emotionally attached.

After yesterday, I can smell the gold coming.

______________

One a side note, something not so pleasent happened yesterday. There was a small/mini sized volcanoes being slowly brought to eruption by two hell spawns. Anyone with sense wouldn't go near. Its kinda expected though, what else can she expect really?

It hangs on wed now. =)


What's your vice? You know that mine's the illusion

A lot of times, I wish I was something else rather than what I am right then. Like I would watch a drama about doctors (aka Grey's Anatomy) and decide that I want to be a doctor knowing full well that that is impossible as an arts student. I wish I'm cut out to be a writer as well. So many times the inspiration strikes, but that inability to express in human languages and forms frustrates me. Many a times, I also want solitude and privacy. (If I wake up and there are people in the house, I get fucking pissed at everything for at least an hour before I'm normal again) But after watching I Am Legend, maybe peace ain't that wonderful. It's scary to live alone for too long.

Born to be Free

There was a time when I was very young, I used to believe that there were little elves or fairies that live around us humans. We can't see them if they don't want us to. And they like OUR stuff. So whenever I lose something, or something goes missing, I always think that its the fairies who 'borrowed' them. So no matter how much we tried to look for the missing item, it wont come back unless the fairies want us to find it. Such was one of my childhood beliefs.

Talk about silly.

I don't know when I stopped believing that. Seems like a lost part of my childhood when I unconsciously thought that thought weeks ago when I lost several precious items consecutively. This remembering is haunting. Who said childhood is to end where teenagehood was to start? Who defined a child as being 0 to 12 years old? Who set the rules as how to act as an adult or child? Why do we act more immaturely as we get older? I guess I'm just disappointed.

I believe in things black and white. I believe in things being clear. But reality is never black and white. Nothing is ever clear. Let's dance in the grey areas.

*I heard someone crying, maybe it was me

Angel of Mercy, where did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
-Mercy, OneRepublic

The shows are over, so its pretty much relaxed but assignments seems to be piled up high. Very high. Very very high. And yet, I finished them. Almost anyway.

I'm damn proud of myself for surviving this.
Till theatre showcase in may that is. Till then, I;m just chilling. About time i do that anyways. Why is it when its my down time everyone else are having their bloody exams? Kinda depressing to hear all the exams going on and I don't have any. Just a lot of assignments.

I changed my blog skin. Its bare. As you can see. Its so bare, I'm loving it.

"Its like love at first sight. One look and I knew I want to be with it forever." - Alex, Angry Dad.

I just took a plain blog skin from blogskins.com and removed all the extras, even the extra hearts and funny signs littered all over the skin. And this is wat I have. Nice. simple. neat. uncluttered. like my life right now.

*I'm so boring. I'm not even going to let you comment on that.

All I really want to do is to sit and stare into blank space before I go totally insane.

I really just want to sit and stare into space and think nothing. Coz the stressful times are coming back. Its all repeating over again. But the last time i actually have time to sit back and relax when I know that I'm going to crash and burn.

I'm just really pissed off at everything. Like how i said previously that i hate to care. i dont wan to care when others dont give a shit. Now that i start to not give a shit ppl slam me for it. lik wtf? is that wat friends or even classmates are for? Its really just one for himself. Not Non mihi solum. never has it been for others, its always for themselves first.

im just really depressed. really. its lik its no longer worth it to work so hard
the reasons are no longer the same nor do they stand for wat they used to stand for.


*I just got a leaf blown in my face, sprained my ankle, headaches and tons of bad luck

"She thinks she's Slyvia Plaith you know? She's living it all out, like in a poem."

- Kate Lawrence, Whale Music

I'm living it all out lik a hermit. I socialise, but I hate doing it. I play by ear, but all I really want to do is not to care. Its depressing sometimes to care. So maybe I should just put my head in a microwave and radiate my brain away. Stop this pathetic existence.


You know, I really wanted to stay home and roll in bed when I sprained my ankle, but because I cared, I just went to work and school like nothing happened. So don't laugh, it ain't funny no more.

Im going down to get myself a cup of cold Classic Cocoa. Indulgence is neccessary.




Remember when He indulged a whim

As stated in earlier post, i went back to aj for a drama camp. However i failed to record down one thing.
After the end of the end of the first day, all of us instructors/ mentors/ seniors were sleeping in one room together with our resident director and I dont know what struck me to ask him this; how did you climb from being a techie to a director with your own theatre company? i guess it was just a question i never really dared to asked though I've been thinking it for a long time.
well his answer was rather ordinary, but one word struck me in the mind. he said " talent, patience and hard work." in my mind i was lik.... i have no talent and probably very very lazy (otherwise im just lazy) but patience.. i can try to have... so yeaaa... =) nice. and so far being patient has brought me more benefits than I could have when being impulsive.

Stay with me

"It takes two.
I thought one was enough,
It's not true:
It takes two of us
It takes care.
It takes patience and fear and despair
To change.
Though you swear
To change,
Who can tell if you do?
It takes two."
-It Takes Two, Into the Woods

I've been meaning to get down to blogging for 2 weeks already and today is the first day in 2 weeks that I'm not out of the house before noon and home only after midnight. I've been through a camp,a bum in and a bum out of a show, two late night parties and got 2 extensions for my assignments (first time I'm the only one in class to not hand in my work) and most of all turn down a great work opportunity cause of my freaking busy schedule. On top of that I'm doing some designing work. Cool. And I'm doing it all purely FOC. Wonder if experience points can be converted into cash, coz that would then make me pretty rich. Oh, and not forgetting, I'm going to start driving lessons. Hpmh. Kill me before I find more things to fret about.

Started my busy 2 weeks with the stajecamp. It was like really great to be in aj again tho the various changes made school feel alittle strange. It went pretty well. Made me learn abit more bout managing sth. It's almost like a production but very different in a sense. Will let pictures say the words.


first day debrief, just before the premiere screening of SHUTTER @ the StAJeroom!!


taken during an acting game by Helmi. turned out to be quite emotional.


another game, i think this is church or sth.


a scene in geylang red light district. Video ask me or Shannon. =)


even mentors get to act =)





anymore ask shannon. =)

After which 2 assignments that needed to be handed up, but after alot of praying, it seems that the gods above heard my desperate cries and both lecturers gave me an extension. And then comes Whale Music=).

What can I say? except the fact that its the first time I actually have a costume as a crew and its my first time being in scrubs. Felt pretty much like being some extra waiting for my "moment" behind the set of Grey's anatomy. It was pretty cool. Abit disorganised but everyone covered up for everyone's ass all the time lah, which turned out to be pretty cool. Got some pics but still trying to get more from the actors. Once i get to contact them that is. =)


that's our set, designed by our ever so great director and programme leader of Acting BA(Hons) Edith Podesta. I kinda like it, but its even better with Eugene's lights.

Then bum out last night at Drama Centre was pretty tiring. But my nerves got the worse side of me, and I screamed for the first time since I started school last yr. Like a real scream. coz of this stupid assholic dumbass fuckedup ************** bloody idiot. haiz, but its over so its ok. its ok. =) but its wasnt too nice for others to hear, so i'll be as docile as a wildcat next week =) I DO have an image to keep. haha.

And this afternoon, I went to a pet show. Last item on the show was a competition for the heaviest cat. Heaviest cat will be crowned CAT KONG. lik seriously whoever thought of that name ought to shoot themselves lik how that lame host shot himself in his toes each time he opened his mouth. (one would have thought tt a host would actually have the sense to stop the lame jokes and actually just host the event) Cat and monkey just dont go together.

BUT BUT BUT.... the cats were really...... F.A.T period. very very fat. and it goes to show one thing, fluffy doesnt mean heavy.


he didnt win, so he's throwing a fit now.


check out that paw. love it.


very shy one. nearly won.


owl face. very pretty. me love owls too.


pretty cute too.


looking proud

but who wins??

MY CAT!! (actually no, he didnt even take part. and even if he did, he would have lost spectacularly)

to end off now. let me say hello and goodbye to the Singapore Flyer. I know I might never have the chance to up there in that thing (its hardly romantic to watch the sea and at the same time looking at our port together with 10 other couples/ people) So singles like me might never support it, and therefore it'll spell its early demise. Hope it'll last long enough to get through the Youth Olympics =)



It takes two

I've finally figured out why I prefer cold wintry rainy weather over the bright sunny happy kind.

I feel happier listening to depressing songs, experiencing depressing situations and living it all out in the cold. It feels best when its raining. I miss the rain. I'm simply in the wrong continent. I don't get cracked lips in cold weather (for god's sick its supposed to be humid in singapore), I get to use those countless jackets i buy, get a suntan without actually having to feel the damn heat or just stay home snug in my bed without the guilt of not doing anything productive coz I'll be keeping myself warm. In fact I love the idea of just being in the cold.

And maybe when you're living in the cold and depressing environment all the time, you'll be numb when sometime bad and painful happens. Its easier to get by that way rather den have bouts of self deluded happiness and den have you brought cruelly back down to earth from cloud nine. It's definite that I'll move from this sunny tropical place, the questions is just when.

No offence to all of the university people, but I've noticed that its not just me, but everyone who has been through the same education process as me (pri, sec, jc, uni path) seems to have this preconceptual image of how university life should be like. Used to think its really cool. I even felt tempted to go try and apply for something I know I'll hate doing, and probably waste 4 years complaining and whining about it. The freedom, the youth, the fun that you get to enjoy in university must be a big break from that restricting life you've lived your life before. However now that I'm here, everything that I have imagined university life to be seems like a farce. Not that I'm jealous or condecending, almost everyone I know who's in university seems to be living in Dreamland. Its like, some people just can't grow up. Having a boyfriend is a must, clubbing is a must, drinking and fooling around, acting cute (for the girls) IS A MUST. I mean like isnt going to university about growing older, wiser, being more decisive and responsible? Isn't that why they call it university? Seriously, these people's attitudes are insulting. Why do they even get a degree at the end of the day? These people are disappointing when it comes to behavior and attitude. Never have I seen a more irresponsible and idiotic bunch of people. Makes me sick to even see them call themselves "University undergraduates". But I'm just ranting, it'll probably not be that bad after their last year. (Except for that history grad girl who doesnt noe where China is)

I'm thinking of doing architecture to further my studies on scenography. Don't think that training just in lasalle in set design is enough. I want to know more architectural stuff to help in my drawings and work. Afterall, most set designers are from a architecture background. Look at those people who got nominated at the oscars for Art Direction, they are all architecture grads. I want to stand at the Tony Awards Ceremony and win the prize for Best Set Desgn. And my ultimate goal in life to build a house worth putting into the history books in the middle of a cold and wintry countryside in some far far away country. (Maybe I'll include a prepared grave, just in case I die and no one is around to notice I'm gone and bury me. I'll bury myself first) So it seems the way to go. But then again I'm afraid of the age gap. Too old. So to make things easier I can just try to apply for NUS architecture since I can still can get the tuition grant, instead of workng first. But I dont wanna stay here. This is so terrible.

I short, I really just want to get out of here.

I'm typing this on the mac. Got no idea how to upload pics. Will try to more cheerful and let pictures say the words. When I get home.

.: I don't like taking pictures of people. I perfer their works.
Depressing old sod.

CONFUSED, ANGRY, CAN'T DO NOTHING BOUT ANYTHING

School's been pretty confusing. Maybe not chaotic. its just confusing. Its not like I do not understand what is going on around me, its just that I'm not there. I'm distracted by something higher. I find myself checking my numerous emails several times a day but I do not know why I do so. I have alot of things to do, but they don't seem abit least worthy of my time. It's like I'm eager to just move on to the next stage of my life and just spare myself the pain that comes along with it.

I absolutely hate it when people doubt me when I say I'm single. Is it that surprising? I can understand those who are already attached. When you are in love, everyone and everything else seems to be in love too. But single people LIKE ME, lonely people LIKE ME, incredibly smart and independent people LIKE ME (maybe not smart) have their doubts when I declared I'm not in love (maybe I'm just in love with Shia LeBeouf). SO PEOPLE, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN I SAY I'M HAPPY ALONE. Despite having no one to depend on in times of stress and unhappiness, I must say I handled things pretty well so far, no need no one to ruin it for me now.

There I said it. Now its out. Feels as good as letting out fart.

Vulgar Times

Its almost like nostalgia.

Its Chinese New Year. And it just gets worse from year to year. Its finally been reduced to nothingness this year. I really hate people who die in december. Selfish as this may seem, it really is causing alot of damage. I hate people with a large family too. Happy people with happy large family who gamble and gamble likes there's nothing else ot life, happy people. I hate this illusion of happiness. Basically, I just hate people.



It takes two

This is usually the time of the year I start singing my favourate Christmas song till the irritation of everyone around me. But I didnt. Somehow, I just got tired of being busy. Yet afraid I'll slow down and degenerate into a pile of ash that no one will remember. Such is the thought of a workaholic.

I work like nobody's business. And laze like nobody's business. Which is also what I did for Chirstmas. My most ideal holiday is to find a good resort by the beach and sleep the whole day till I'm tired of slping (oh the irony). While I did not go to a beach resort, I did the sleeping at home. And it feels so good to not be tired. Somehow, Im one of the few people to be energetic for work today. After all no parties for me. Parties come later. Did nth for xmas and xmas did nth for me. so in all, it was good. =)

Beauty World is coming along fine. Its pretty exciting to see my fav tv stars on a daily basis. Its almost weird to see them on tv again at night. =)


cant wait for school to start!

"Why did I listen to that boy?
He spoke of hopes and dreams
and filled me with such joy.
How can I know he loved me so?
Was it for show?
Was I his toy?
Why did I listen to that boy?

-Urinetown, Hope Caldwell


So much has been happening. And almost everything is Almost over. PALSIIWJAE was finally over! no more coming after late nights to see more than 10 emails waiting to screw me over and over and over. My mailbox has since been very... empty. =)The event went pretty well, not like I was really worried or anything. I was more worried bout not making it in time to sch. (bloody taxi fare cost me $18. fuck.)There was alot more seniors than juniors and they spent the whole night playing charades!!!! WHAAAA???? ok, I don't mind charades really. I think its fun and stuff. but a whole night? I would have gone crazy coz I'll definitely not get a single one. And I hate waking up in the morning contemplating serious issues. It should all be left to the night and when there is a bunch of readily availiable alcohol.

And I'm fully putting efforts into Urinetown. Got a stressful moment or two when all the scrollers are dying like 5 mins to show. All the lighting people and one ASM scrambling to climb and fix them before the show is just, stressful. I have second thoughts about scrollers now. Used to think they were cool and showed how shrewed the designer was. I got alittle stressed when Sera panicked or got angry. I was like singing along and stuff but with this infernal volcano next to you its kinda hard to maintain any fun.

Ans true to the title of this post, I must remember whatever happens to me whenever I indulged a whim. I NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE. I could have finished my costumes by now, but procrastination has thrown everything outta window. Haiz. Cannot be like Eugene Tay, everything do for the shw but dont do homework. Hahaha =)



The Good Lord made sure that what goes in men
Must soon come out again
So you're no different than
Lowly me

I'm dead. I'm shit. I'm going crazy. Its just not right that everything is going to happen at the same time. Not fair I tell you. I hate you Koey. I really hate you. arghhhhhh.....

RDA7209

that was my lucky car plate from this sweepstakes application form. I'm supposed to send it in to win a car. Evidently I didnt. Now its hanging around me till I find some place to attach it to.

I just spent a very indulgant friday night. Watched Cats and Music and Lyrics last night. And I have decided, Cats is simply over hyped. If the story and plot cant save itself, no matter how cool and amazingly wonderful the technical aspects are, the show is still doomed. The first 10 minutes was fascinating, after which I just kept fast forwarding. Music and Lyrics was pretty cool. I liked the way the story intertwined two hopeless souls and made it good again. Its a notch above a typical rom- com. Worth watching only if you are feeling self- indulgant and freaking lazy. Of course its not advisable for watching when assignments are piling up higher than Mt. Fuji.

I just spend a pretty normal and happy friday. Makes me normal and happy. And I met my cousin a 3rd year in Lasalle for the first time in like.... 1 year. And boy, he freaking grew soooo fat. =))) I was so tempted to tell him that, but than he was with his gf so it'll be just too rude.

Some pics I took from the class presentations of our finalised model box for "Sound of a Voice" by David Henry Hwang.


My box, and im freaking proud of it. =))


waddaya tell you bout the world turning gay? (note: he's straight)


me apparently not lisetning. Playing in the back. =)


megah, acting tough, actually brought a coat along for a presentation. spoil market.


Bubble lifts, which are usually useless most of the time considering its always filled with too many people to fit me in.


Raffles Place, on my way to VT


Parliament hse.


"I've been sleeping with a cloud in my bed" -Music and Lyrics


My cat still slping


I love the reflection.


There's just no time to hesitate any longer. Choose now.

" Free!
People are free!
How can a fee
Enslave us?
See
How we can be
Free from the chains
He gave us!
We're suffering now
Such lives of sorrow!
Don't give us tomorrow,
Just give us today!"

-Urinetown, Lasalle musical theatre lvl 2 and 3, 2007



Well, I've been pretty busy. Pretty busy pushing back all my assignments and lazing around that is. Its quite disorientating to be the lighting op and I dont get to do anything or help in anything in this upcoming play. I cant stand not doing anything. Espcially for a big play like this. Its real big considering the amount of work that is going into it. We have a 4-5 week bump in. (like who would have heard of a month long bump in??? its just insane.) I got a feeling I wont get to anything much except to move my little index finger for the show. But hey, at least light ops get to watch the show not lik other ppl hiding in all kinds of coners trying to get a peek. sneak peek. And we have an insane budget.Like insanely big budget for a school play. What hurts me the most is that they are not doing justice to the budget, considering that kinda money could get us better stuff with the right kinda design and management.

I'm kinda dry for the moment, especially after coming home from a fire safety course. Learned a few stuff. One thing's for sure, when I see fire next time, I run. Run real fast.

Some pics for fun.


- Cornell box for Scenography


- Eerie doorway from inside the Production room.


- Shadows from Cathy cinema, for sceno as well


It' too late to apologise.

"When the flowers gaze at you,
they are not the only ones who cries when they see you."
-Boston, Augustana

Here I am lying on my sickbed, in the height of my fever, blogging. The doctor has diagnosed me with over- exhaustion. rigghhhttt... with the amount of sleep I get, that's almost impossible.

but the undeniable truth is that I am still lying here doing finger exercise. That is the extend of my daily exercise routine really.

The last two weeks were havoc, doing two shows back to back and eating junk food everyday. (or maybe its just the vegetarian noodles that are giving me a headache and fever now) The worst thing was I had a terrible director cum producer for the 2nd show. Add in the ghosts and ghouls of Victoria Theatre, one can understand how the hell my health deteriorated. However, the two good things that resulted from these two weeks was me learning to love being the lighting op ( I'm going to be lighting op for musical theatre in dec!!!!) and how I gained two friends unexpectedly. I was that grumpy unknown person outside the control room and all bubbly inside the control room, cant blame those small kids for giving me those horrified stares whenever they see me. And I realised, if given free reigned, I'm extremely talkative on cans. That's not a good thing when your lecturer is listening on the other end and did not inform you.

Yup. I'm doing pretty pointless stuff from then till now, except for the PALSIIWJAE meeting. good god. i'm really fried. I nearly forgot the report I'm supposed to write. Georgia's gonna kill me. adieu.


*I think I'm going to Boston, where no one knows my name

"Go forth with joy,
Find someone you love
and spend the rest of your life changing them."

- musical theatre 2nd year lasalle, I love you you're perfect.now change 2007 prod

Been really busy these few weeks. Its lik life is in a roller coaster ride mode at like the constant speed of sound. (oh and i found out why we sit on a rollar coaster and not stand. Its more exciting. try sitting in a lift.) That's the best I can describe this period of time.

and why have I been busy? homework and productions all like to mash up all together at the same time!!! so there i was rushing here and there and here and there till my brains were like mashed up lik mashed potatoes.

ok i gotta go for my next performance..


*But im still here, with much to give. Someday I'll die, for now I'll live

I'm back i guess.. but not with a new skin. Writing this on my new laptop with less than 17% batt life in the middle of academic writing class. fun.....and im laughing so hard coz all of us at the back row is laughing at the teacher.... dont know if that makes sense.. but hey its cool...

there goes my batt life....

later...

is eternal bless, divine rest and $10 000 cash." -eric cartman, South park protangonist.


well, this is my first blog entry ever since moving to sengkang. honestly, it's a pretty funny experience to blog somewhere other den home and school. (My first entry was at Sunrise)

Moving this time is a very enriching experience. In so many ways I can't describe with lowly words, this whole thing still amazes me as I'm sitting here being at one with my computer and keyboard at my fingertips.

Firstly, moving house was a sooner or later kinda affair in my family. My mother has this weird habit of moving houses once every 5 years, or more than once if necessary. By 11, I've moved 3 times? Now 8 years later, my mom has outdone herself. (We would have moved 3 years ago if the property prices weren't rock bottom.) All these time we have been moving from a smaller unit to a bigger unit, except for this one year we lived in a small rental flat while waiting for Sunrise to finish building. So after settling down in a huge penthouse for 8 years, with 8 years of grub to clear and tons of stuff to pack, it really put us all to the test. I myself had more than 9 cartons of boxes of just books (not even notes), tt not including my clothes and accessories. So in total i had about 20? Compared to the 4 or 6 boxes I had when I moved in, I must say, I've really grown alot. ALOT. My mom outdid all of us. Her clothes itself was enough to fill 9 boxes and more in plastic bags to boot. After shifting in i still see her bringing big bags of her clothes on her own with our car. And times tt amout by 50, you can get a glimpse of an idea of how many hellokitty stuff she has. She has so much stuff it pissed my dad off just trying to help her get carton boxes to pack them in.

Well, a little bit bout this place. Sengkang Square really make me laugh and cry at the same time. I really dont know if it is good to live here or not sometimes. Being situated above a shopping centre that has everything short of a cinema, you bet I eat good stuff everyday. My mom doesn't cook anymore, dvd rentals are at my doorstep (I rent a dvd every other day), damn Mac;s and Ya Kun are freaking tempting. Im lamenting the fact that I'm getting fatter everyday. But i cant help it if my mom dont get me breakfast and i have to go down n get them myself everyday. it sucks. now im already too lazy to even go down and get a cuppa tea. Oh! did I mention 2 foodcoourts, comics connection, 3 japanese restuarants, popular bookstore, MRT, LRT, old chang kee, 7-11 and many many many more at just at my fucking doorstep? It doesnt help that even my cat wants to go out too! (he likes the dog statue at our neighbour's door.) But then again, I'm not complaining. =)

to think we wanted to move in my my grandfather. hah!


Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere

After weeks of really bad luck and strings of bad events, it has to end (or rather brought to a climax) with a darn food poisoning.

this is just the worse ever. will just stop here n go slp. nitez.

The big day where everyone is getting married or trying to get married or at least trying to get themselves out of the messy traffic at Raffles City due to the NDP'07 Marina Bay rehearsal. Not a bad day, jsut that it passed a little too normal for me.

I had to walk from City hall to Suntec and the fact that the traffic police did not help much, made me miss two buses just coz I couldnt cross the bloody road in time. But becoz of that, I managed to witness a couple exchanging marriage vows at Raffles Hotel, alfresco style. It was between a chinese lady and a Caucasian guy. Nice to say the least. Very romantic. At least her gown was white, unlike a tasteless lady in dark purple going for her day shoot at Suntec! (Purple for a shot is crazy I tell you!) People where just standing outside the hotel looking at the ceremony. Not too bad in this horrendous weather. Wonder if they had a wet weather plan, or maybe a heat stroke- inducing weather plan. Honestly, I didnt really feel lik it was any speacial day at all even though my ever- whining friend at work kept reminding me of 070707.

Also, I realised that the thing about working in the city meant that going home at the usual working hours or getting there at the usual working hours meant alot of traffic problems. It also does not help that everything seems to be in the city. NDP, IR, F1... etc etc... are all going to be in our little tiny city area. Imagine the horrifying traffic, the horrifyingly filled- by- 12pm carparks, the blocked roads and discontinued bus services, or even worse, lost bus drivers who dont know any other road except the usual one they are supposed to drive. And every mobile singaporean is going to squeeze into the tiny area, leaving much of the rest of the island with an all time population low. No wonder we need more people. Its to fill the rest of singapore up, so says the elite. God knows, the morning and evening rush hours are bad enough, why bring in eveything immotely possible into the city as well? Its about time we do more than just have mini NDPs in the heartlands.

070707 also marked the mid year TOTO draw. Prize money is at 5.8 million. Prize money being so attractive, my mom urged me to buy TOTO. But then again, I knew I didnt have the luck when I couldnt even find a ticketing counter. This is no surprise anyways. I can't even find a DBS or POSB atm whenever I'm in desperate need. So even singapore's biggest bank can't have anough atms for me, why would TOTO have as many counters and let me win? Well, I really didnt buy it. Though it would have been a good experience.

As much as a chipmunk have anything to do with a fish, I have no idea what is the connection between having a concert and saving the earth. Live Earth I believe is a very noble cause as it does spread the word of global warming to the world in a quick and fast manner other than offering carbon credits to the rich. But in planning an event this big and broadcasting it to the world, it would in turn create pollution or harm to the environment. By getting everyone to go to the concert tons of money are being poured in to the effort, where it could go to conservation efforts. By getting the people to sing and perform there, it would create money making opportunities and lots of CO2 from transporting these stars to the concert. Again which could have helped the environment more if it were not done. Furthermore, people who go to the concert also have to be transported there. Again traffic could create heat equalivant to hell itself. Somehow one just can't help but think that the whole situation was due to some rich people who want to make more money. Then again, as much as there are pissimists lik me, there will always be optimists who think that benefits of the concert are bigger than the harms. We can always give them the benefit of the doubt.

As for me, things are going on as per normal. I get home and eat and game and sleep, afterwhich a cycle begins on its own. I've never done anything special for 010101 or 020202 or 030303... etc, I dont really see the special need to do something special for 070707. Maybe when the last of the series comes aka 121212, I'll do something bout it. Like all the crazy singaporeans who flock to the registry of marriages or marina bay just to do something out of the ordinary. Hey, it aint that unique when everyon else possible is doing the same thing. For now, I'll just go back to comtemplating when to buy my 1st TOTO and saving Mother Earth.


*The ocean opens up to swallow you

Took an oath
Gonna stick it out till the end

one thing bout me is that i always cherish commitment. So shld i just quit and go for some other event part time job =) i wanna like take part in event organiser or related stuff leh. school is starting soon. cant wait. everyone is going for orientation and stuff im still hanging around, dangling. heh

Told you I'll be here forever

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting for the queue

NUS sent me another rejection letter despite it being still June. Not like I was expecting any different. But they do seem desperate for people to fill in the ranks. Calling up people who have expressively stated that they do not wish to join the course and offering places to people who have no wish to be part of them while leaving others hanging in the middle of nowhere, is rather a saddening picture. Are we putting too high an expectation on ourselves despite our capabilities? Or are we just subjected to the silent corruptability of the human nature, the want for talent yet blinded from those with hidden potential?

Honestly, I did feel like I deserved better. I guess it is just not where I ought to be. The feelings are still kind of surreal. Maybe the reality of it wont hit me till school starts. Things aren't going to the be the same anymore. Who are we kidding in the first place? Ever since the end of secondary school, so many people have gone different paths. More than I ever thought.

Talking about coincidence, I saw Valerie, a secondary school friend, at La Salle. She was there tranferring there from NAFA. Taking a degree course in music, I must say her presence at the school and bravery in taking the different path was a rather surprising and pleasent experience for me. People who have lost in this never ending race, diverted to another route, another race, a more uncertain terrain. I guess we can't say MOE hasn't been doing their job when these people who lost out in the conventional race are not given another chance at a proper education. It's just that we pay a bigger price (financially and mentally) just couse we lost out a few As. Neither can we say they haven't been doing their job when people get into universities when they obviously didnt want to go. Such irony, rather confusing.

I've kinda given hope. Even if I do get something in the end, I believe I'll just stick to where I belong now. Just have to gather the courage and step back into the world I've left 6 years ago.





With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

If I really do have a love of my life like I did in my dream, I'll never want to meet him.
I dreamt that I had indirectly caused his death. And even after I woke up I remember every single detail but his looks. And I still feel sad and depressed. =( May it never be true.

______________________________

Well, more depressing things ahead, I have finally established the fact that I am a major disappointment and embarassment to my parents and family members (distant or close) According to my dad, my other cousin who is the same age as me has not gotten into a mainstream university either, bringing the number of mainstream degree holders to a constant zero. Well, upon hearing that, it makes me feel jumping out of the car and just drop dead in the middle of the expressway and wait till the next car comes along and flattens me.

______________________________

My manager has decided that I am a lesbian. How she derived at that conclusion, I have absolutely no idea. She thinks that I have a thing of girls and that why I am still single till now. Somehow she thinks that I do have suitors but I am just ignoring them by placing really high standards. Somehow, she still doesn't believe it when I tell her bullshit. Well, I just haven't met my own orlando bloom that's all. What's worse is that she has been repeating that over and over and over again.

______________________________

actaully, i've typed alot of brainier things than the above brainless chatter. But hey, I dont feel like acting intelligent, so I'll just post this here.






*He's a sweet- talking, candy- popping candyman

Today's the end of my horrible job as a relief teacher in Sembawang Secondary. No hard feelings, just conflicted. Afterall I've been working here everyday for the past 10 weeks, that has gott mean something.

Some kids are really nice. While the ones who I always thought hated me, actually wanted me to stay. (But then of course I'm not going to do that!) Wells, no more early mornings, no more stressful deadlines, no more tolerating my anger and their insolance. No more marking and no more stupid meetings that DO NOT CONCERN ME.

But then again on the other side of the coin, there will be no more fun with them, no more laugh out loud moments, no more i- hate- you- u- hate- me- den- you- diao- me looks. No more CLEAN UP THE BLOODY CLASSROOM moments. No more Please- FUCKING- hand- up- your- homework moments. No more seeing-them- do- stupid- things- to- themselves and kill- themselves- the- moment- they- come- into- contact moments. Boy, those were the days. Days when I contemplate bringing a bulletproof vest to school to protect myself.

Hey, its fun in a way. Kinda surprised I survived.

__________________________

Got a second rejection letter from NTU today. not going to appeal. no point. feelings kinda surreal. But I cant go to sleep anymore. Wells, left nus and then Im off to la salle. =)
Feels weird that everyone is going to Univerisity and I'm not. Wells, who can we blame? UNSW is closing, if I'm one of those students, I'll take the offer to go sydney, no qns asked. Instead now, they are fighting for NTU and NUS as well, what bout those without A's? watever....
__________________________

Its time to write a letter to my poor and unfortunate successor, whoever that may be. =)



*And the time just goes on and on and on and on

If life were but a song, mine must be out of tune.

I am now a proud owner of a Linkin Park newest album: Minutes to Midnight. =) Rocking is in process. So far "Leave Out All The Rest" is the best, but it is very poppish, so not LP. *beaming*

Anyways, I've just received SMU letter.. of rejection. The feeling was kinda.... surreal... Wells, its not like as if I want to get in there. Just tried it for fun. Now for NUS and NTU, both of which are moving at the speed of a sloth. Called NUS up and they tell me to check online. WTF? then what was the hotline for?

................... "Hands Held High' is powerful. just heard this song while typing this. just cool. "When the rich wage war, its the poor who die." That's kinda deep in so many ways. Afterall leaders wage war depending on popular vote. But when people are getting war weary, the one that still keeps on dying is the people, not the one who waged the war. And the rich do make money from war, mercilessly. Look at WWI and WWII, history does repeat itself.

I'm going to finish this teaching job soon. Fingers crossed that I would never come back and do this again. After this I'll be going back to SR. work like crazy but at least I wont be too stressed out. Btw, I feel lik changing my job. Somewhere along the retail line. I'm kinda sick of smelling cooking food. Making me feel lik puking each time i walk pass an alfresco dining areana. How am I going to continue working there? Bleh.

Learning Japanese is an experience. I finally knew how to write some words and recognise others. Hopefully I can go workin Japan sometime. Like my fren who's going to shanghai..

Got a fren who got a diploma in fashion design from Republic Poly, is going to Shanghai to work at a denim designer factory to design clothes next month. The more I think of it, the cooler I think her job is. Going to Shanghai to work!! Except for their food, I think its really cool to live there. It really pays to be talented. I hope I do get to work overseas one day. =) Host a series of plays there or something. Better still something that can allow me to travel and get paid for it at the same time. And she's only 21?? Imagine that is such a big break in your career! Shanghai is also a place of fashion, really cool. *envious*

I was trying to post some photos online where I stumbled on the service Hello. Its the program I used to use to post photos on my blog. Funny how i forgot all bout it after I went to aj and stopped posting pics online.




*The heartless wind keeps blowing, blowing

I really dont know what to believe when everyone tells me different stories bout admissions. But everyone agree on one thing, NUS is crawling slower than a snail. NTU is choosing to ignore us for the moment. And they are having semester examinations now. Why can't they be as quick as la salle: a reply in 3 days??

_____________________


school should be a breeze now that today marks the first of the mid-year examinations. =) But its soooo boring. if i shld happen to sit down n do maths, you'll know the terrible trouble we go through as invilgilators.

_____________________

"So you think you smart?" went to staje play last weekend. It was pretty cool. Though there could have been some improvements to the atmosphere, energy and climax(s). not too bad an effort really. made me cry at one point of time. Anything that can make me cry is good enough for me. By the way I cried coz of hadi. Its really sad when someone you trust and love has given up on you and you don't noe a thing. bleh.


* Passed the point of no return.

I always get the feeling that Phantom of the Opera is like a tragic version of Beauty and the Beast. (Which happens to be my most favourite disney cartoon of all times) Christine should just be with the phantom. No one can be so ready to love you in so many ways so much. I dont even think Raoul is a good guy. He's like this character that appears out of nowhere after so many years of absence and suddenly *poof* they are in love. So if Christine weren't pretty and talented, Raoul is just another bastard. Like wat phantom said "He was bound to love you when he heard you sing". Its so true, he only went to look for her after he heard her sing. Bleh. I'm biased. If im Christine I'll go with the Phantom. Just like in Beauty and the Beast. And let the extra character die a merciless death. =)

The play really opened my eyes as to the kind of theatre they have in Broadway. Its really a far cry as compared to the local productions. Just the set itself pwns everyone. Ten times over and over. The smooth transitions, especially the breathtaking introduction in the beginning, made the whole things look so unrealistic, so fantasy. If you're not careful, you'll start to think that you are not watching a play, but rather watching a movie with all the magic going on. The transitions I can so imagine them on the silver screen.

My favourite scene was when phantom and christine sang "Point of No Return" You can so feel the sexual desires and longing in the singing, and the added frustration. Coz phantom had a real desire for Christine, while Christine was singing for the play only. It even had the feel of a hot latino, spanish dance with Shakira as the lead dancer or sth. Arghhhhh. Its really nice. Phantom had me seduced from there on.

Did anyone notice that when Phantom declares his love for Christine, he's the only one singing ("Music of the Night" and "All I Ask of You" at the end of "Point of No Return") and Christine never replied or return the favor? And when Raoul sang "All I Ask Of You", Christine replied in turn. Its like emphasising on their love for each other, and that phantom's love was only one-sided.

Anyways, I just cant shake the magic from that night off my mind. It makes even Singapore's most successful masical "Forbidden City: Portrait of an Empress" look lik an amateur's play. I so wanna learn their secrets. Like how Phantom disappears. BTW, i think that the part during "Masquerade" when Phantom disappeared and appeared again at the top of the stairs was a work of genius. The way he disappeared, but the phantom on the top of the stairs is DEFINATELY not him. Tha tguy was much shorter.

yup. two words. Love it.


___________________________________________

I invigilated the first examination in my life. Not cool. Boring. But the silence is very much appreciated. Very.

And I had this weird dream that NUS rejected me, Ntu accepted me for a course that came from La Salle and it wasn't a course I applied for. Like how am I supposed to decipher that?


*Anywhere you go let me go too. Love me, that's all I ask of you

Labels: phantom

the littlest things are reminding me of you.

i cant believe im losing sleep. right. hate those bastards who talk bout going to university like they own it.

im feeling more like my kids from school, somehow they jsut know they cant go anywhere beyond secondary school. it jsut no more play for them and they are just trying to have as much fun as they can now. I'm feeling lik after this whole ordeal im no longer allowed to be childish and immature (i love tt feeling really). and im just trying to be as relaxed and immature as i can now.

____________________________________________________

my students are kinda alrite now except for two choice classes. the rest are really nice to handle, as in after hearing the kind of hell the same students give to other teachers, i believe i got the better end of it. even though i cant teach at all. haha. and u have no idea how weird they can be.

its just the littlest things that they do that really get to me at the end of the day. I dont hate them anymore, nor do i pity them anymore. coz they are richer, smarter, better than us adults anyway. like how these grp of guys keep hounding me for my maple nick. or how another grp of girls can be so rebellious one day and suddenly so friendly the next. and not forgetting a free gay show in class every mon wed n thursday. or how this girl who acts lik this old auntie from the market who keeps bargaining for more marks. or how some people just do things blatantly waiting to be caught. lik wat fun is there if i keep catching them?

*So let mercy come and wash away what I've done

I fucking hate being nice when I'm not feeling fucking nice. It's fucking hard to fucking be all smiles when you know everyone but you are celebrating. It fucking worse to get ur fucking little getaway spoilt but some unconfirmed news. Fuck it.

Maybe I shld just burn NUS down. Unlike those stupid crazy people who kill a handful of innocent people before killing themselves in those stupid universities, they shld make a bigger statement by burning a world renowned academic instituition. If i can away with it, maybe I can even burn NTU, thou that would be challege since its much bigger than NUS. Or maybe SMU. being in the city would make a bigger impact. but its all scattered. =( So NUS first.

What is "Application processing" means when half the world you know has already been accepted? fuck it.

maybe this will be the last factor tt will push me overseas. not to study but to stay for life. I'll keep the citizenship, i'll fight for this 64x48km piece of shithole, but aint no way im living here.

"Close your eyes,
for your eyes will only tell the truth
and the truth isn't what you want to see
in the dark it is easy to pretend
that the truth is what it ought to be"

-The Music of the Night, Phantom of the Opera


just getting into the beat before i head for the show next thursday. I love phantom of the opera, although I have never read the story or watched the movie in whole before.


______________________________________________


I was just reading bout how everyone seems to be getting acceptance letters everywhere and I am not getting any jsut yet is making me panic even mroe than ever. Another week has gone by with no news whatsoever from anywhere. No interviews no tests, not even the dumb website which demands some password I have no idea about refuses to tell me anything substantial.

I applied for La-Salle SIA last week. and they immediately called me up for an interview the next day. Haiz. If I really go to La Salle in the end, I'll expand overseas and give up hope of ever making it here in Singapore jsut because I am jsut not elite or qualified to do anything more than a 4A student.

the truth isnt always what we want to see. Maybe thats why some people are so idealistic. And maybe its a regret that they are leaders.

*Help me make the music of the night

I was just asking my fortune telling sticks I got in Thailand recently a few questions.

Qn: Will I get into NUS FASS this year? (might as well be specific)
Ans: Don't count on it... =(

Qn: Will I get into NTU ADM this year?
Ans: Signs point to yes! =)

Qn: Will I get into NUS FASS this year?
Ans: My reply is no. =(

Qn: Will I get into NTU ADM this year?
Ans: Most likely. =)

Its times like this I really wish my sticks are for real. but then again, maybe it is. hopefully.

I'm going to kill or ignore or delete any contact who sends me an email from now till I get some form of signal from the many universities. It is pure torture to check your email for some sort of mail that will save your very soul from eternal damnation, only to find that your mailbox is just filled to the brim with complete utter junk.

people in the newspaper says that they have accepted some place in some university. while i am still waiting and waiting. ADM just seem to have died. I truly regret putting it as 2nd fucking choice. all becoz i have this foolish hope that i can make it for mass comm. damn it.

I told my mom (she was getting anxious and making me panic even more with her anxiety) that if i cant get into a university, I'll go on a major diet and be an air stewardess. and after two years I'll touchdown and reapply. lik the ns guys.
not a bad option, but thats if i can really go on a diet and actually be an air stewardess. heh. and that has a possiblity of 1 out of 100.




*Somebody save me, I dont care how you do it, just save me

Its breaking my heart to see you running around living a lie.

You have no idea how stupid and naive secondary school hormone raging temperamental emo 14 yr olds can be. Makes me think really hard back into my past, if I ever was like them. God forbid!

________________________________

sth i saw on the way home one day.

two boys were on opposite sides of the busstops, one on each side. They were both talking loudly into the phone, so much so that you could hear what both were saying even when you are 20 metres away. One guy was shouting into the phone for the person on the other side of the line to lend him $20, persistently. This other guy across the road was shouting into his phone for his friend to shut up and that he was never going to talk to him again, all the while smiling lik the Jack O'Lantern at his friend across the road. This person on the other side of the line just happens to be the guy just across the road. Apparently, the whole world there could hear what they were shouting into the phone. Its funny why they still used the phone when they could obviously hear each other. Such is the mind of a teenager. Unbelievable.

case two
overheard this convo between a teacher sitting next to me with a student's parent on the phone. Apparently this girl has been coming to school ridiculously late recently. School starts at 7.30am, but she only strolls in at 9 plus. So a concerned teacher my colleage was, she called up the girl's parent and asked what time her parent dropped her off in school. The poor clueless parent said 7am. So wth happened to that girl in between 7 and 9? (8 ate her) In the first place, that school is so ulu. Where the hell can she go? Assuming that she's not alone, its really weird. Apparently she doesnt go home early according to the parent. Seriously i have no idea what these teenagers think. Coming from a neighbourhood school myself, this would have never occured to me. really.

im not myself. Again.

the anti social animal. Do not be mistaken. This is a social animal. Meets new creatures all the time. Even enjoys doing it. They form intricate social networks. So much so that they can even get the Prime Minister's personal number at the flick of a finger. However, there is a distinct difference. They do not keep up with the networks. Allowing them to rot and be forgotten while forging new social circles. Ultimately, it is lonely.

______________________________________________________

i feel lik a gooooonnnn.....

after surfing friendster, im really surprised that im not being myself as a teacher, lk i hide my entire life for the first time. feels kinda weird, yet exciting. Its thing tingling feel where you have a big secret and you want people to know. Cant wait for them to find out, but you cant tell them directly, coz that would be against the rules of this hiding game.








I hate friendster.





*Its times like these MY world is failing apart

Im really living la vida loca.
Ok, maybe living well in a workaholic sense. I'm happy being busy. I'm happier that I get paid every weekend. I'm happiest when I go shopping now. At least I have the money to buy things now and not just stare and wish and wish and wish. (I just spent $130 on stuff I dont exactly need)

Bought Wu yue tian and huang yida's new cds. Like OMG! After years for downloading from the internet I finally gave in and bought a CD!!! but yea, its wu yue tian n huang yida, i would have bought them and not dl anyways. the last cd i bought if im not wrong was jay chou. and its not his latest album.

somwhow i wish life to remain as it is, alone, self sufficient, loveless. I just got the flu bug, dont want no love bugs.

*Fingers crossed

Im really really fucked up.

That was by far the funniest beginning of a blog entry.. but yea, im pretty fucked up. Not becoz of sch. rather its becoz i wan my old life back!

ADM vid was finally completed. BUT, MY COM'S CD DRIVE WENT CRAZY ON ME AND DESTORYED MY HOPES OF GETTING IT TO NTU TODAY! therefore im fucked up. but lady luck has been smiling on me. NTU EXTENDED THE DUE DATE BY ONE DAY. =) hell yea im lucky, thank god for the one day for me to franctically find a way to reduce the file size, change the format and send it to NTU. AND SEND IT TO NTU. PROBLEM B. I'm in fucking school. so eh, blessing in disguise?

I want to go back to secret recipe. which i can anytime, that is if time let me go back. no offense with regards to this noble job, it just rubs me the wrong way to be an obedient civil servant, passing on my minuscle knowledge and upholding so called values as a role model for the younger generation. I secretly want those kids to break the sch rules somehow. maybe coz im still at the age where i think that doing such things are actually cool. Oh when will i ever grow up??

_____________________________________

its been 2 days since i typed the above post.

and i went back to work at secret recipe during the weekends. dang it, never tot i'll think that the place feels lik being on holiday, and im getting paid for it. whoosh... but that also means more fats. Didnt get to see alisia though so no free food. Tons of new faces recruited the two weeks i was gone. A few I didnt like and other I liked alot. and thankfully there was a chinese in the premise. I often feel left out with everyone starts conversing in malay and i cant join in on the joke. AND IM WORKING ON GOOD FRIDAY. WHICH MEANS $7.50 PER HR. WHICH MEANS TONS OF INCOME. WHOOSH! im just earning like crazy to spend lik crazy, maybe i shld get an accountant to manage my finance. Joyce are u interested in the post?

And I caught the flu bug. nice timing. Head feeling very heavy. and eyelids are dropping, my make up's ruined and my hair's in a mess. Right, Im typing this in school. I think my temp is rising. ackkk... i wan me $65. not spend it on a mc.

*Dang it lah!

Show me what its like to be the last one standing

Teach me wrong from right.

honestly, i did things teachers in their right mind dont do. but i do so love the feeling of being different. I secretly hope to get into trouble. hahahaha.

_____________________________

im in a mess rite now, adm vid is like in its final stages and i have trouble with the last two clips. arggghhhh.. damnit.. it seriously look lik some amateur's work and not serious at all kind. looks lik i wont get into adm as well
might as well just be a waitress all my life. honestly, i dont really care, afterall, experience is all that's needed in the service industry. Skills of coz comes in later, after a degree is something that is only fresh for so long.

BTW, stop telling me to show u the final product. u'll be disappointed. for sure.

(i said that to someone in sec 3 when i wrote my first novel, and it turned out that everyone liked it except me. So i stopped it.)


im getting in the hang of things here in SSS. (Sounds lik some german hitler like association) at least thurs and fris are lik heaven, well i slough my heart out from mon to wed. sat n sun are yet to come. we'll see.


*Seriously I no longer know the meaning or purpose for this blog

I'm spending more time trying keeping my sanity more than on anything else. And its only the 3rd day.

Seriously I have no idea wat was in my mind when I first went teaching. I didnt agree to the job, didnt have the chance to since everyone just assumed that I wanted it. But then I didnt object either.

haiz. It sad being so alone at work. Doesnt help that all I want to do it to hole up in my own little cube. (Surprised, joyce?)

*Im sorry for blaming you, for all the things that I couldnt do

Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend
Somewhere along the bitterness
I would hvae stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.

I have this mortal fear of what is to come. Its like everything from now on will be unpredictable and unexpected. And the expectations and responsibilities are killing me. Somehow, I jsut want to give up and go live like a hermit somewhere. But there is no where I know I can call home, if my mind ain't calm enough to stay in control.

I'm screwed even before I started.

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It was obvious she's trying to be something more than herself. She is the artist she dreams to be but never will be. She is the world's richest woman, but the poorest in fact. She is the leading scientific researcher in her league, but she knows nothing. She is the best media producer, but she's got no friends. When will she ever be her?




*Wonder how people are so intricately connected yet so remote?

Like children need their mothers, like rivers need a sea, like lovers need each other, like prisons need a key.
Like winter nights need fire, like temples need a shrine, like lovers need desire, like prophets need a sign.



I NEED TO KEEP ON SHOPPING! 0_0_________________

Bangkok has been fun. I kinda know how to get around without getting a slight bit confused with directions in a slew of thai. It was 5 days of non stop shopping and walking and shopping and walking and shopping and walking, and finally a little leg rest then we continue walking and shopping. =) My feet still ache till now. Even watching people getting a rub on their feet at the massage parlour is inviting.

I hate paragraphs so I'll type in point form from now on

Things I liked..
1. the toilets were surprisingly super clean and DRY.
2. the food was amazing. and I only ate thai food once. (have to go FoodLoft @Central again!)
3. the high class people are amazingly creative and full of variety. me like. me like things in nice packaging. (bought so many things not for the object, rather it was for the packaging. such a sucker)
4. things are pretty cheap.
5. I love the way they make their gifts. can rival the koreans and japanese. quality wise they lose.
6. I love their jackets! (me mom said i was buying for winter)
7. I love their department stores. (Not as crazily people packed as those in Singapore)
8. I LOVE THEIR SUPERMARKETS. (its just lik our NTUC, its common but its cool factor is a thousand times better)
9. I ABSOUTELY LOVE THEIR CAKES! AND THEIR CAKE COUNTERS (again i bought a "few" cakes just for the packaging. And they love blueberry cheese too =))
10. I like the new mrt line. Its as surreal as our North east line.
11. I'll love to watch the gay cabaret show and then have seafood at Rachatda. Passed by the place a gazillion times but I never got to go in. For awhile I thought those pictures of pretty girls they displayed were really girls, till we were enlightened by my dad's visiting friend.
12. Their radios play english music sometimes. nice.

Things I didnt like:
1. thais generally dont have brains. ("wrong comment at the wrong time")
2. they are a weird bunch of sour looking people with skin too good for them.
3. their newspapers are irritatingly unreliable.
4. their clothes sizes are too small.
5. they have the worst kind of service attitude ever. (If people ever thought that service in Singapore sucked, please visit thailand, and may god bless you if you dont speak their language.)
6. I dont like their old mrt line with the old ticketing machine and damn old ticketing assistants who refuse to give us the damn tickets.
7. I don't like the Thai shopping centres.
8. they are about 10 times as selfish as us.
9. And they probably did not care two hoots bout the temasek and shincorp deal despite what their general implies.
10. I think that looking at beautiful ladies are scary in Thailand, coz most of them are either really damn weird or they are transvestites.
11. My nose was working overtime all the time. The city's smells hasnt improve for the 5 years i wasnt there.
12. Their skywalks are extremely scary. Considering that Im afraid of bridges and its worse when there's a heavy traffic below.

Well since its 1:1, I guess I think thailand is just fine. just fine. the shopping was good. we really shopped till we dropped dead. nocturnal as i am i was not even able to stay awake pass 1 am. hell it was good. but im not about to go back anytime soon. my nose needs her rest.

chatuchak and MBK reminds me of bugis street. so there i go again.





*there she goes.

Not like I love to say that word (I see heads shaking!) But i seriously went through the worst v'day ever in my life. To make things worst. I cried.

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Spent v'day at work. Unlike normal weekdays, where there are not many customers, suntec was a hotbed for the lovers. Even SR gave out free roses. It was so busy that i forgot to eat. (ME!! FORGET TO EAT!!! LIK WHEN SUCH AN IMPOSSIBLE THING EVER HAPPENED?) my english rocks.

By 10 o clock we still hav customers strolling in. And the kitchen's store of food is dwindling at an amazing speed. We didnt even have fries!! Poor people and poor me. I get scolded coz there's no food. SO ITS MY FAULT THAT YOU ARE LATE AND THAT MY MANAGER DID NOT ORDER ENOUGH FOOD TO SATISFY YOUR FUCKING APPETITE???. AND ITS MY FAULT THAT THE KITCHEN DECIDED TO DO CHICKEN SPAGETTI AND NOT BEEF? AND WHO ARE U, A MERE TEENAGER, TO TELL ME OFF RIGHT IN FRONT OF A FULL HOUSE OF GUESTS? LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR, PLEASE USE PROPER TERMS WHEN YOU'RE SCOLDING SOMEONE. MAKE SURE ITS REALLY HIS OR HER FAULT. SECOND, MAKE SURE YOU SCOLD THE KITCHEN, WHERE THE SCOURCE OF THE TROUBLE IS, AND NOT THE SERVICE SCREW! AND IS IT MY FAULT THAT WE ARE TOO BUSY TO SERVE YOU WHOEHEARTEDLY? WANT MY HEART? MY FULLEST ATTENTION? TAKE IT! ITS VALENTINE'S DAY ANYWAY!!!!

I think that just about helped.
The impact from 14/02/07 still rings in my mind. The countless happiness of the customers destroyed by the lack of food.

And it doesnt help that we dont have enough staff and we are already exhausted through the day.

_________________________________

I'll never look at v'day the same again.


I cried for a lost love
Exactly 2 years ago.
I cried for a lost heart
Given long ago
I cried for an empty presence
Vacated and forgotten
I cried for myself
For the self I lost long ago.





*He didnt call anymore. I guess it worked.

I just go ahead and smile. =)

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Im thinking of a change in working environment. Not like im not enjoying it. But there just too much there that is weird, screwed and utterly unimaginable going on in there. I'll be the only chinese working there by the end of this month. This could be a communication problem unless I decide to pick up malay or sth. Can't say that we are not being treated really well there, neither can I say we're treated really badly. But I really cannot tolerate some things that ought to be changed and are not. For 5/hr (im not really complaining) they are really asking for too much from us. Service crews are also human for god sake. I dont noe how much longer I can go on.

The funniest and warped thing I ever heard is that they refuse to recruit new people even when the existing ones are walking out one by one every week. Like Hell there will be enough people.

I just rejected another job offer just to stay here.

__________________________________________

Phantom of the Opera anyone? I want the $145 seat. =) Unless someone help me buy the student rate. $50 =)





*He's still hinting. I'm still ignoring.

Its the end of Jan today. I hate January. It comes by too fast and leaves too early. Its the start of the year. A year filled with possiblities. Most importantly, January is the month which seems to be the "honeymoon" month where people get to settle down comfortably for the rest of the year. And this "honeymoon" seems to be too short all the time.

Before I know it, I'll be getting my second paycheck.

This marks a month spent doing nothing but worry and trying tied myself over with just enough money. (That bag at cine still lingers in my mind). And most of my close guy frens are in the army. And my life limits to a few outings with the gals and that's that. Can't say I'm not happy. But life isnt going well as it should. Work politics are still weird. My only hope is that I survive them long enough till I go back to school.

And I want an office facing the sea one day. Was delivering a huge 3kg blackforest to one of the shipping companies at Suntec. Boy when i reached there, the view from the office was paranomic. Too bad those poor working people in cubicles (I call them cubes, lik joyce and her cube=)) dont appreciate the view. They were staring at me when i told my fren bout the view.

And I jsut realised that valentine's day is before CNY. Not like both festivals will matter much to me. Firstly, I dont get alot of money anyways. Secondly, I dont have a valentine. So much for celebrating. (Damnit, that V' day is not a public holiday and I'll be in thailand during CNY. No 7.5/hr)


*I hate the end of January. Febuary sucks

I said something really smart today, without thinking at all. Maybe I'm just instinctively smart. If there ever were such a thing.

Friend: I haven stepped into a church for 3 years. Is that a sin?

Me: Only if u believe it to be so.

Now come to think of it. That is pretty much true. You are pretty much what you believe in. Isnt that what religion is all about? Belief?


I dont noe wat I believe. So I dont noe wat I am?? damn.


_______________________________________


I suddenly short of alot of cash. argh stupid borders going on sale lik tt!

* He called me to say goodbye.

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

-dictionary.com

________________________________________


I just realise P.D.James fictional books may very well just be a true reflection of reality. My parents are never going to tell me anything of the rough patch they are going through now. Just like how Theodore's mother never dared to tell him of how his father was dying from stomach cancer. Maybe it just how parents will always be parents and their perception of their children is that they will always remain as children. Like little prized fools, we are never meant to know anything yet suffer all the guilt from not knowing.


________________________________________

Everyday I take a bus to Suntec and along the way I pass by NAFA. I see half of SMU (and its really weird un-university-like campus) on the way home. And if I strain my neck a little, I'll see the other bit of SMU and La-Salle's new campus. After a month of the same routine there and back, I finally realise how badly I want to be in NAFA or La-Salle. Or even SMU (which doesnt even have any courses which I'm really interested in. Does Li Ka Shing Library for the School of Economies appeal to you?) And what really got me thinking was something really small. People who are successful always break their bonds and do what they think is right. The worse part was coming up with the confidence to pull through. I already fail at gathering confidence in doing what I want to do, how can I ever break away? So breaking off from the main stream and heading for somewhere else besides NTU and NUS suddenly sounded really appealing to me. At least I'll be doing something I like. Nevermind if it doesnt feed me in future. Artists often die poor anyways. (Like real, not modern day artistes for sure.)


_________________________________________


*There are still some dreams that remain ever so distant